Voltaire's Theorem or An Essay About Sex
by Fairytale Mistress
Summary: It is not enough to conquer, one must know how to seduce." -Voltaire. Duo, with a little help from some famous love artists, reflects on his obsession with the Perfect Soldier-Will Duo get the boy of his dreams?


**Voltaire's Theorem**

**(An Essay about Sex)**

"It is not enough to conquer; one must know how to seduce" He says. Well... Voltaire's never tried to conquer OR seduce the Perfect Soldier...

And written in Mahabaratta; c. 600 "Desire is poison." Yet it is the sweetest venom I have yet to taste, and if I must die tonight, let that be the grounds. But that's all I have now... all I could dream about... because he cannot feel for me what I feel for him... He cannot feel at all. He is a machine, perfect in all aspects (And I do mean ALL...). Many of the great writers speak about love... and yet none have found a solution to their obsessions.

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote; "Thou art to me a delicious torment." And that's exactly what Heero is to me... Funny how so many nights I lay across the room from him, awake and staring at the ceiling... listing to the light breathing not five feet from me... on occasion I find myself looking over at the sleeping form... wondering what it would be like to lay there next to him... but talk about impossible... He's so impassive all the effing time he's clueless about the mush he makes inside me every time he walks into the room or looks my way or even glares at me because I'm talking too much...

But I'll show him... one of these days! Walter Bagchot wrote "The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do." And I will have my ultimate pleasure in winning the love of my life's affections... however dismal they might be... I'll get to him through the only thing he knows... H. L. Mencken said that "Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop." Tell me about it! He doesn't even know how I feel yet and I know that this could very well be the last time I ever know love... The Perfect Soldier needs someone to bring him back to reality... and who better to do that than Death himself? Am I right, or am I right?

And thus following my pledge to use war to get the guy of my dreams, and because all is fair in both love AND war, and because Mark Twain wisely advised, "Be good and you will be lonesome." Death will be bad... not in a robbing, murdering, raping kind of way. But in a sly, devilish, conniving, bribing, spying, often-mistaken-for-pretentious-cocksucker (And that in and of itself is an entirely different story...) kind of way...

LATER

Here he comes... A skin-clad steel muscled God wrapped in a humanesque visage, the ultimate walking orgasm, sex on a stick, if you will... well, here goes... "Nothing risqué, nothing gained." Alexander Woollcott said... "Heero, are you busy?" "Hn. Why?" "Because... there's something I want to give you." "What's that?" "Me." "..."

Yes... the stoic, cobalt-eyed pilot has been sent successfully into a shock-induced coma... temporary at best, after he recovers, I'll tell him that W. H. Auden said that "Desire, even in its wildest tantrums, can neither persuade me it is love no stop me from wishing it were." I can explain that I am so completely enamored with the way the muscles on his back twitch and gnarl when he's typing, or how his lips draw a thin line when he's deep in thought... and how much I want to bring them out and create a deep red-purple passion-created bruise... I can tell him that I love the way he stretches and his shirt comes up to expose his lean and muscular stomach... I can tell him how every little thing he does drives me completely insane... I can beg him to love me as I love him...

He speaks to me... "Are you serious?" –Ok, Not what I expected... but what was I expecting? A bullet in the head? –well, yes, actually! "Y-yes, entirely serious." I manage somehow... What's wrong with me? I'm normally glib when it comes to dialogue with the Perfect Soldier, but when we breeched the subject I have so suddenly become tongue-tied and befuddled... Funny the way love affects a person... Not even Death can escape its grasp... Even great ones as old as Sappho (6th century B.C.) wrote "Love—bittersweet, irrepressible, loosens my limbs and I tremble."

Ok, so I slid to the floor in one very loose heap... Wait—was that a smile on his face? I—is he laughing at me?! "Whoever has loved knows all that life contains of sorrow and joy." Said George Sand. I guess he was right. To see the Perfect Soldier smile (Let alone laugh!) was to meet certain death... well, hello honey... Death is home...

He's picking me up from the floor now, hmm, stronger than I would have imagined... stronger than I dreamed... but that's ok, I can rewrite all those fantasies later... now was a time to pay attention...

"Duo. You do realize I've wanted this between us for some time now, right?" Heero said looking deeply into my eyes. I gasp. What in the world could I say... "Uh—no...?" Ah, there, brilliantly put.

He kisses me. It's better than the dream, that's for sure... When he pulls away I can't help but cry out for more... not even to second base yet and I'm completely physically and psychologically addicted... His lips return to my neck his hands deftly undoing the confines of my cotton prison... And how did he learn to do that so well, anyway?!

Then he's gone. Mary Carolyn Davies related: "The cry of my body for completeness. That is a cry to you." And every fiber seemed to reach out for the Japanese boy disrobing himself in front of me. Oh my... Goodness...

He's talking to me again... Complete sentences... I could DEFINITELY get used to this... "You know, someone wise once said that it is not enough to conquer... one must know how to seduce..." Yeah... I used it previously in this essay... But he continues. "They don't call me the Perfect Soldier for nothing... When I studied for my training... I studied EVERYTHING. –Granted, some things were self-taught... Like this..."

HOLY SHIT! Never have I ever felt such a sensation... I am no virgin, but God damn... this experience was fuck-unlike the others all put together... ecstasy, that's what it was...

Heaven to put it another way... But that doesn't matter now... all that matters is how I return the favor... looking for... "YES DUO!"—Found it... This experience has been effectively scorched into the back of my brain for all eternity as my dream of sleeping next to him comes true... And might I set the record straight: He might be hard as steel... but, when one is in his arms; the Perfect Soldier becomes the Perfect Pillow... That or I enjoy sleeping on steel... But I won't elaborate.

In closing... it appears that Voltaire was wise beyond his years to say that it wasn't enough to conquer... apparently, this little tap-dance fore-play thing Heero and I had been playing for the last... 2 years was nothing more than subtle seduction... and let me say... that is always the hard part... Because Heero already has the Conquering part mastered.

Author's Notes: I own nothing, not Heero, not Duo, not any of the quotes... I merely borrowed them for a little while...Please don't sue, I'm poor...

(c) 2003

Aleesha Posey

July 28,2003


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